Showed Some Skin and Gained Freedom!

Vulnerability is such an important part of healing. Vulnerability comes from the Latin word vulnerare, which means to be wounded. Psychologist, writer and researcher, Brené Brown, defines vulnerability...emotional vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.

According to Brown (2015), being vulnerable helps us to feel a sense of belonging, enables us to feel empathy, and provides meaning in our lives.

I've learned though that being vulnerable, not just with yourself is sometimes a necessary part of healing and growing.

We can't really heal or grow from things we can't identify or bring to the light.

How can we heal something we can't see or don't want to shine a light on? If we don't know where the stain is on our clothes, how do we know that we need to add stain remover when doing laundry...how much we need, what kind to use and if we need to apply it directly on the spot or just the add it to the wash?

Ok, so that may have not the prettiest or most relatable analogy 😬, but stay with me. I'm trusting God here in writing this. I'm letting Him flow through me 😅💨💨💨

During a leadership development call a couple weeks before the end of 2023, a question was asked...what narrative have you been telling yourself that isn't true? In my head I was like, pssssh that's easy (especially when I had that conversation with my husband not more than 2 days ago) I tell myself I'm not good enough. I thought, ok, so maybe I need to lean into that and journal about it, or just talk to God about this lie (but didn't seem or feel like a lie) I've been telling myself, and maybe find out why, or at least drop it at His feet and just roll out and let Him deal with it 😌 cuz it just felt above my pay grade when this was a narrative I've been trying to re-write for years. But then, I felt like I needed to actually say it 😬 and that didn't make sense because I was on a leadership call with some people I didn't know that well, and people that I wanted to keep seeing me as a 'have it all together, always knowing who and whose I am leader'. The narrative I was telling myself wasn't fitting the narrative I wanted others to know and see sooooo 😬 but I felt like I needed to unmute myself and say it 😮‍💨

And I did....and I said more. I didn't just say I tell myself I'm not good enough, I felt myself also saying that in saying I'm not good enough, I feel it'salso holding me back from fully walking in purpose and who I've been called to be 😬

And you know what?! I didn't stop there 😬😬😬 I then felt myself saying that I've tried to shake it, and every time I did...or thought I did, I realized there was another layer to get rid of. There was another layer or place/aspect of my life or situation I was allowing insufficiency to roam rampant even though I had some encouraging friends, family that roots for me, and I kept submitting my feeling to God. 😲💨💨💨 Boy, did that throw me through a loop because I didn't even realize that until the moment the words flowed out of my mouth.

What also didn't help, was that no one else verbally admitted they'd felt the same at some point or slid me a DM on Zoom saying they could relate 😬 And the response from the person leading the call was kind and genuine, buuuuut didn't help. "Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that," was the response. 😳

When the call ended I had an intense fight on my hands...well mind...in my mind. I had to fight the realization that I just let all these people on the call think or know (and those who'd watch the recording after) that I'd been in bodage with insufficiency and was a slave to the enemy's lie, and that I probably did something so horrendous that God wasn't freeing me and this was God's judgement and punishment. That I'd allowed myself to be tricked so well that I was now repeating the narrative to myself. I had to fight the thoughts of that embarrassment, shame, bruised ego, caring what other people thought about me, and was then reminded that everyone has told themselves that narrative at some point or the other. I then kept telling myself, so what, it doesn't matter what other people think (even though it clearly mattered to me in the moment even though I was trying for it to not matter) 😅

But you know what though? By the next day, that narrative was gone! 😲💨 When I got tired of trying to convince myself that it didn't matter what other people thought, I started talking to Holy Spirit about it. I told Him flat out how I felt, and that I didn't know why I was in a never ending loop and just wanted it to end. That I didn't want to sabotage my life of purpose because of something I was telling myself, because I got wrapped up in the lie of the enemy rather than the truth my Father spoke to me, wrote to me and reminds me.

It took being vulnerable (and I believe obedience to God's gentle nudge), shedding of pride to share something that caused pain to people I wasn't close to for a light to shine on the damage...the stain, for any real healing to be done. It took submitting my real feelings and honestly placing them in God's hands and asking Him to heal that part of me...for real cleansing to be done.

By the next night, I not only thought and believed I am enough, but I also believed that I am enough to fulfill the purpose God created for me. That I don't need to be like anyone else...I don't need to praise Him like David, be obedient like Elijah or have faith like Abraham. I am enough.

He made me enough...fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14) in His image and likeness (Genesis 1:27) to be exact.

He made me to praise Him like Jannene, be obedient the way He is helping Jannene be obedient, faithful like Jannene based on the measure of faith He'd given me (Romans 12:3) and is growing and gifting me, and be His partner and conduit to free others and help peope like myself achieve and maintain mental wellness with His Word through the fearfully and wonderfully made personality He'd given me. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

It took God's grace, kindness, mercy and my vulnerability to see, accept and believe that I am enough, good enough.

And, He wanted me to because He prompted me to be open and share the false narrative. I believe He did it so that He could not only heal me, but so I can see how much He loves me...how much He fights for me, wants to and can set me free, and wants me to walk in the fullness of who He has called me to be. 💨😌

I am enough....good enough....just like you are enough....good enough, just as you are.

References:

Brown, B. (2015) Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, lead. Avery.

Mirriam Webster. (2023, January 16). Vulnerable Definition and Meaning. Retrieved January 20, 2023 from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/vulnerable